Feb 10, 2016 - Explore Integrate's board "Social Media Jokes", followed by 729 people on Pinterest. Today’s computers are so fast they can screw up a billion times a second. Human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”. ~Spike Milligan, If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents. I try to watch what I eat and yet my eyes just aren’t quick enough. They are either memorable, instructive, or both (hopefully). I’m a heroine addict. ~Senna. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. I always thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane…. Haha, leuke grap oom Gert. Because if it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan. today they're mostly known as social media influencers, I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. ~Mae West, He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. msn back to msn home entertainment. Experts know more and more about less and less till they know absolutely everything about nothing. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. One liner tags: age , communication , insults , IT , political 81.77 % / 8646 votes. Text one or more of them to your friend or family member. You’re just insignificant. When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive. But first, it will piss you off. If the enemy is in range remember so are you. A civil servant recalls the 3 most difficult years of his life……..Grade one Civil servants never look out of their windows in the morning,,,they would have nothing to do in the afternoon Someone broke into the police station and stole the toilet, and the police have nothing to go on, Your email address will not be published. I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect. I don’t know why they told me I’m innumerate, it doesn’t add up. I encourage you to Pin any images you like to Pinterest, which will automatically link back to this page. Being second is to be the first of the ones who lose. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense. Myspace is blue, Facebook is blue, Instagram is blue, Tumblr is blue, & Twitter is blue – Social Media is run by Crips! Click here for more information. How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance. I figured the Speaker of the House would be the Tweeter of the group. ~Andretti. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you. You can either do this as a written post or shoot a short video. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. Note: it is copyright infringement to download my images, or to copy my curated collection to post online. Read to the end they do get better. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? Print your favorite poem on a tee shirt or some other item and give it to them. They had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, their powers of speech. 2018. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. While my social media speaking engagements vary enough that I alter my material quite a bit from event to event, there is definitely a batch of one liners that I tend to incorporate. What’s not surprising? The first step in building staircases often squeaks. Here are 10 great social media jokes to make you laugh: “A new study found that more than 11 million people have quit Facebook in the last three years. ~Demetri Martin. ~Peter H.Diamandis. It reduces your chance of shark attack by 50%. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. I used to be indecisive. You can always count on governments to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else. I’m not being rude. In that order! It’s the early bird that gets the worm. I went outside my room and met my family, they seem pretty cool. You can use these quotes as a caption for social media, one-liners, phrases, quotation, slogans, for marketing and more and please let us know how you use them by comment section because we respect your suggestion as well. I hate to say “I told you so” so I’m going to shout it really loud. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the train. The social media landscape is a noisy landscape. That’s what gave me the courage. I have a lot of growing up to do. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. ~Homer Simpson, Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Give a lawyer a fire, he’ll be warm for a day. Van die typisch Nederlandse one-liners? A problem is really only a fact that someone is resisting. We don’t stop playing because we grow old. 4) Social Media Gods Don't Give with Both Hands. source, This long word comes from two Greek words meaning “beyond expectation.”. I vote we change her name to Mount St Karen..as a warning for future generations. – Jon Buscall. [company] has automatically recommended [this product] for you. Other times I let her sleep. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says in an emergency, notify, I put “a doctor.”. I asked my 32 other siblings and they’ve got no idea either. But why you will notice because these one liners are about horses. Will and Guy have an assortment of foody jokes and one-liners. I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway. The saying “Getting there is half the fun” became obsolete with the advent of budget airlines. Of wanneer er wordt gevraagd wat je wilt drinken en je zegt:”Maakt niet uit.” Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. ... said one of the jokesters even seemed to be posting one-liners from a hospital bed. Alexa can make a decent social media scapegoat when you’re not trying to get into it with your Aunt Betty about why you didn’t want to see more of her adventures in crocheting (500 times a day). Put the words to music—maybe a tune you already know. Behind every successful man is his woman. And at least ten at night. ~Bernard Meltzer, There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. Well, Twitter is the bar scene, where people let loose and talk to strangers, drop one-liners (or pick-up lines), and engage with personalities from all walks of life. … Kennen jullie dat? ~Mark Twain. Some people exist as a consequence of their actions, others take action towards their consequences. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. ~Helen Keller. ~Andretti. Two wrongs don’t make a right, three lefts do. Laughter is the best medicine, if you don’t have insurance. Mining the relationship between emoji usage patterns and personality. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were. ~Frida Kahlo. ...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association. ~Mitch Hedberg. You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave. ... Ricky's thoughts on social media I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Read my full copyright statement here. I removed all the bad food from the house. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness. When baking … Funny Foody Jokes One-liners Read More » I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks. Forgot password? Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. 1. The truth will set you free. But this wasn’t it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. I had beautiful wives, every one beautiful, talented and now rich. It is this bar-like atmosphere that makes Twitter the ultimate platform for customer engagement, and for the same reason why Twitter is the ideal social network for marketers : ~Einstein, If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It pays no attention to criticism. Create a meme for social media. A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. – Mari Smith. Being smart is knowing how to get out of a tough situation. Be sure to link to a resource or news article as well. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. I sleep eight hours a day. Others, whenever they go. Set a lawyer on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. Your argument is sound, just sound, lots of sound. Google Scholar; Google LLC. I need to be with women who have saved someone’s life. It was delicious. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. It’s the least I can do, and I always like to do the least. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Check this box to allow the collection and storage of the data you submit with your comment. Paraprosdokians are clever, surprising sayings, where the ending presents an unexpected twist. I just think, why did they believe me? I’ve also got another 2 liners and they've been the most comfortable soft liners for our baby girl while fighting leukaemia. Some see invisible people. Do you like a play on words, or on a stage? ~Yogi Berra. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. So go on, please share this post now. He's sick. ~Zach Galifianakis, The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. She looks as though she’s been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say ‘when’. March 11, 2020 by Louise Myers 2 Comments. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool. The following series of witty one liners are great phrases to remember so you can share them along to others. ~Marcelene Cox. Her straightforward writing style empowers small business owners to make their own graphics for social media success! My father had a profound influence on me. Click here to share these social media quotes – Tweet this! A fine is a tax for doing bad, so a tax must be a fine for doing good. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. Behind every great man there’s a woman, rolling her eyes. he said. Some clever one liners which are sure to tickle the fancies of those who enjoy word play, and that too with a comical twist. Light travels faster than sound. ~Oscar Wilde. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 1. Credit where credit is due. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. It’s nice. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I like you. Do a countdown: Countdown the days to a special event or countdown your top ten case results. But it’s still on the list. share I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. I’m interested in nothing, with the right story I can make almost anything from it. I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. Being wise is not getting into it in the first place. Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. 2. Humor is known to provide positive health effects on individuals by producing endorphin’s that are 500 times more effective in eliminating pain than morphine. Study looks at jokes about doctors to examine use of social media in health care research. ~Groucho Marx or Hugh Herbert. It should be thrown with great force. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. But don’t download my images without my express permission. Click on! Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Everything comes to those who wait… except a cat. Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. The world owes you nothing. Because everyone on there is just talking to themselves. Woke up this morning, got out of bed, went to the bathroom. Baker One-liners and Puns A baker stopped making doughnuts after he got tired of the hole thing. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood. Friday Funny: Top 20 Cow One-liners. Nothing is possible. The charity also uses trending news stories to fuel their social media campaign, referencing the infamous “covfefe” tweet in one Facebook post to highlight their message5. One time a guy handed me a picture and said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker. Now I’m not sure. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Always swim or dive with a friend. I can’t thank you enough, you’re never bloody happy are you? Everyone needs a little ass Lol” This one I got from Facebook and it looks catchy. Age is an issue of mind over matter. The fly was very close to being called the land, because that’s what it does half the time. ”Not a horse but a donkey. Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? Then it dawned on him. To keep fit my grandmother walks five miles a day. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. Need funny one liners to perk up your posting? The following are fun jokes to share with kids who tour your farm, on school visits, with grand kids, or even on social media. He copies-and-pastes the drink to five other bars and requests that they become a fan of it, then bills the first bar for six drinks. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. ~Phyllis Diller. My first in 2016 and its still going strong and has been used A LOT! It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision. Have a look at these witty one liners. If tomato is a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? Sarcastic one liners. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. So this is what they called the #trashtag challenge, They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 1-800-437-1893. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. ~Confucius. Well, I’m having a great day. I get the same effect just standing up these days. I was asked to name all the presidents…I thought they already had names. Share the fun and everyone wins. I live in my own little world. Jul 31, 2014 - Explore LHWH Advertising & PR's board "Social Media Jokes", followed by 141 people on Pinterest. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes. She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps. Never leave till tomorrow what you can immediately forget. For international calls, please use 562-207-9300. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. Women’s rights impress me as much as their lefts. Filed Under: Social Media Tips Tagged With: quotes. You’re not yourself today. Then it hit me. @the.daisy.chain_ I've been buying Comfy Co. liners for the last 4 years. – Marcus Sheridan Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. "This is amazing!" There are over 3.196 billion global social media users in 2018 (We Are Social)…For this reason, learning how to write great one-liners that engage your audience is necessary. It’s easy to tell when a lawyer is lying as their lips move. Rock your online presence with DIY graphics! He felt a sense of building excitement as he headed to the DIY store. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. Charmin: Using Humor to Build a Following
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